Matt Langer

Notes From Underground

Or: A brief list of things that you, dear subway commuter, can do to make me, your fellow subway commuter, hate you maybe just a little bit less.

• Don’t do that thing where you stop dead in your tracks the moment you enter a train car, because chances are there’s someone right behind you looking to enter the very same car you just did. (And it should be noted that this particular move becomes increasingly deplorable the quicker you’re moving to catch the train, via inertia, colliding bodies, basic Freshman-level Newtonian mechanics, etc.)
• Don’t do that thing where you eat on the train, because some of your fellow passengers are actually physically repulsed by the mere smell of your McDonald’s cheeseburger.
• Don’t do that thing with the boomboxes and the gymnastics and the handstands and flips and whatnot, because few things are more uncomfortable than watching the little old lady in her seat looking desperately worried she’s about to get punted in the face.
• Don’t do that thing where you and your friends misconstrue the subway as a place where people are supposed to “have fun” and “act out” and “be quirky” and “express themselves,” because the rest of us are actually quite tired and maybe even a little bit cranky and really just looking to get home without being in the presence of the kind of people who think it’s a super cool idea to loudly recite Rilke on a crowded train.
• Don’t do that thing when you start checking your pocket electronic device right as you’re going up the stairs since this is the first moment in fifteen whole minutes that you’ve had reception, because, you know, the thing about people looking down at pocket electronic devices is that they generally tend to move slower than those who aren’t.
• Don’t do that thing when you’re going up the stairs and there’s a light drizzle coming down and you decide you have to stop on the third step from the top to open your umbrella, because, I mean, come on.
• Don’t do that thing when you think to yourself that you were on the train first so you don’t need to squeeze any further inside the train to let more people on at the later stops, because then you’d just be an asshole.
• Don’t do that thing when the train is pulling into like Union Sq. or Columbus Circle or some other major transfer stop and you get up right before the train comes to a stop and start pushing your way through the crowd to make sure you can get off because, seriously, at least half the train is about to get off anyway so just chill the fuck out.