So last night the roommate and I are out at the bar enjoying a little festive holiday alcohol when at one point I say “Oh hey so I looked at my Google Analytics today for the first time in forever and saw something really cool” and she says “Oh?” and I say “Yeah so apparently my number four search referral was ‘keith richards’” and she says “OMG!” and I say “iknorite?” and then I’m like “Yeah and then it was weird because number five was ‘matt langer engaged’” and she says “!!!” and I say “???” and she says “Langer! Do you know what this means?” and I say “Um, no?” and she says “!!!” and I say “I mean? There’s one Matt Langer who’s a cop in Minnesota and another Matt Langer who’s a squash player in Australia and probably one of them is getting married?” and she’s like “No no no no you don’t understand, this is The Way Girls Crush Now!” and I’m like “Uhh…” and she’s like “Yes! Girls are googling you to find out if you’re single!” and I’m like “Uhh…” and she’s like “Really! I mean like obviously I’m going to google ‘guy pearce married’ or ‘guy pearce girlfriend’ or ‘guy pearce engaged’ if I want to find out if Guy Pearce is single, and girls on the internet are doing that for you! You’re an eligible bachelor!” and at first I’m like “No effin’ way” and then I’m like “Guy Pearce is way hotter than I am” but then finally I’m like “Maybe she’s not bullshitting me?” which if she’s not is kind of thrilling in a like Just-Discovered-Something-Heretofore-Unkown-About-Ladies kind of way and also maybe kind of long overdue in the After-All-I’ve-Given-The-Internet-Over-The-Years-The-Least-It-Could-Do-Is-Land-Me-A-GF kind of way and that clearly the only way to prove or disprove this theory is to set up a comprehensive Google Analytics funnel to A/B test time-on-site and bounce rates and pageviews-per-visit statistics for all the ladies who enter via ordinary channels versus those who hit a landing page revealing the fact that one time in undergrad I transgressed my lifelong ban on movie tie-in book covers so that I could decorate my copy of Pride and Prejudice with cheap dollar store stickers and profess my very real desire to be the Mr. Darcy to Keira Knightley’s Elizabeth Bennet.
