DOORBUSTERS
So I don’t know about you guys but I spent my day traveling seven hours to lovely New Jersey, my old home place, the “Garden State”, where the Jägerbombs are always ice-cold and the license plates are the same color as the local water supply (yellow).
Now, despite getting fucked by Amtrak to the tune of nearly $400 this morning I somehow still experienced the holiday cheer equivalent of an adrenaline rush because first I gave up my seat so that this really disgustingly and happily in love husband and wife and their offensively cute newborn could all sit together, and then as if that wasn’t enough I helped some elderly dude get his Princess-Vespa-In-“Spaceballs”-sized suitcase into the overhead compartment.
Now I’m not one to ever have any holiday cheer—much less so much in just one day—so before this well runs dry I’m going to share some holiday cheer with all of you in my first-ever DOORBUSTER SPECIAL: a contest!
To my knowledge this is if not the first then certainly the biggest contest in the short history of Tumblr, giving you a chance to win your very own autographed copy of—wait for it—MY BLOG. I’m totally serious, you guys: all 89 pages of my meandering, tl;dr, self-indulgent bullshit over the last two years, printed, bound, and signed—BY ME.
This once-in-a-lifetime prize will go to whoever can best guess the following question: which retail establishment in which American town will be the first to send one lucky shopper to the hospital during a black Friday DOORBUSTER?
Prize goes to whoever picks the closest town (as decided by Google Maps). In the event of a tie the winner will be he or she who also guesses the chain in question. If it’s still tied after that you’ll EACH get an autographed copy of my blog.
The house puts its money on the Wal-Mart supercenter in Barnwell, South Carolina. Entries must beat the house in order to be eligible.
[Important disclaimer: this contest is valid if and only if the injuries in question, though possibly quite painful, are sufficiently treatable as to be deemed a source of black comedy (from minor lacerations to black eyes up to a broken leg). This contest is FULLY VOIDED in the event of seriously disfiguring or even fatal injury, because in America only big box retailers are supposed to profit from crazed shoppers dying by asphyxiation at the bottom of a scrum fighting over a shitty $19 DVD player.]
So what’ll it be?
