Matt Langer

We have a mailing list in the office referred to as “whereis”, a list everyone on the team emails with status updates if they’re going to be out of the office or leaving early or otherwise away from their desks.

Josh, our VP of business development, just compiled all the whereis updates of the calendar year, and the results were pretty hilarious.

Hands down the greatest work email I’ve ever received.

The competition for coming up with an excuse for missing work was pretty fierce in 2009. Alarm clocks were accidentally unplugged, all modes of transport broke down, UPS and FedEx personnel took lots of sweet time, bodily functions—or malfunctions—were shared in painstaking detail. But a few people broke through the clutter with Whereis e-mails that pushed the limits of creativity, humor, mundaneness or bizarre circumstance.

So without further adieu, presenting The first annual Top 10 Whereis E-mails (The Whersies):

10. Matt P.
managed to lock myself out of my room

pretty smooth. i locked my computer/phone in my room on accident. wont go into the boring details, but i managed to get in, grab my stuff, and be on my way.

9. Langer
Overslept in a big way.

Kept having nightmares that I was a karate superstar and Roseanne was my oppressive sensei and kept making me use my powers for evil.

Very stressed out.

8. Matt P.
Where Matthew P. is…

i have a bit of a hole in my foot so im just going to save the hike back and forth and work from home. thanks cambridge construction folks

7. Langer
I’m assuming I will be a little late tomorrow.

I just took a hard fall off the wagon and bought some last minute Phish tickets.

This can’t end well.

6. Langer
Actually, I’ll be in at the usual time.

I forgot that when you’re not eighteen and looking for a “transcendent psychedelic journey” or some bullshit like that you can actually get to bed at a reasonable hour after a show.

5. Matt P.
laundry didnt really dry…heading out as soon as its done

should definitely be in before 10

4. Damon I.
out tomorrow

Short version: got attacked last night in Allston so I’m taking a day to recover.

Long version: I took a solid rock plus (by the smell of my soaked clothing) some cans of beer to the back of the head last night from someone who wanted to trade multiple blows for “all my money.” I yielded no quarter, but got pretty banged up in the course of things. The main injuries include a stapled laceration on the back of my head and a super glued cut over my eye.

Totally sweet details of note: First, my super hard head cleaved the assault weapon into two fist sized pieces. Second, other than a small shard of my dignity, the assailant garnered nothing from my person so I don’t need to hassle with canceling cards or waiting at the RMV for a new license!

Please no one hit each other with rocks. Rocks hurt real bad.

3. Langer
Out the week of Sept. 20, 2010.

Pavement.

2. Josh G.
will be in late…got bit by a tick and need to head to the hospital first

And the top Wheresy of 2009 goes to……………………..

1. William L.
Taking off early friday and missing Monday.

Going to PA for some kind of canoe extravaganza.

MVP: tie between Matt P. and Langer

Innovator of the Year: Sterling, for pioneering the “Got halfway to work and then realized I forgot my wallet, had to turn around” which was utilized by others at least four times after its debut.